We need to talk. I mean, clearly. I realized I haven't posted on my blog nearly as much as I have promised or intended to. In fact, I haven't posted at all. My goal was to share my experiences as they came while I was abroad. Looking back, it was a beautiful yet very naive idea.
When you're in a new, exciting - and extremely temporary - chapter of your life, a chapter you've been anticipating for as long as you can remember, you want to truly live it; I didn't have the desire to sit down and write. When you wait for something for years, and it finally arrives, it feels unfathomable, in the most intriguing ways possible. I couldn't believe I was living in Italy. I couldn't believe all the opportunities that were at my reach. I became the most inspired and creative version of myself that I have ever been, yet not an inch of my being deemed it necessary to share any of that with the world. Not yet. I was still in my bubble of this dream that was Europe. I wanted to breathe it all in while I still could. I knew the time would come when I would be ready to sit and write, and write, and write some more and reminisce.
I don't regret abandoning my promise and responsibility to this blog. In exchange, I experienced the world, life, people, food, language, dance. I had a front row seat to my life manifesting my blessings tenfold and I was the driver to my own life. I was both becoming and unbecoming. I was discovering. I was being.
Like all things, my time abroad had to come to an end. I kept telling myself that once I was home I would write for days, maybe weeks, about my time studying abroad. I'd share my travel experiences and, perhaps, my travel hacks. My tips and tricks for living in another country. I would give advice, on subjects such as working in another country. I would share stories. However, as we've seen, I've published none of the above.
I started to make excuses.
"Well, I feel like I'm posting too much about travel."
"Are people getting annoyed of me constantly talking about abroad?"
"I could do better. I can be more creative."
Bottom line is this: I was more worried about trying to satisfy my readers than myself. I cared more about what others would think about me and what I had to say rather than what I would think about myself and what I have to say. I've noticed that this has been a reoccurring pattern in my life, in several aspects.
So, here I am. Reclaiming my voice.
The truth about the origin of my blog was that writing has always been my outlet. It's where I explode with expression. In the highs and lows, writing has always been therapeutic for me. I want my blog to serve as an open forum. I want to be as real and as candid as possible. Of course my blog serves other purposes and passions, but, above all, it's my haven. And I hope it can be a haven for anyone else who struggles with similar situations.
My truth is this: I cannot bring myself to love myself the way that I deserve.
However, this is also my truth: I'm working on it.
I've been in a funk. It's been a torturous cycle that seems unescapable. I have picked myself apart, flaw by flaw. I have been unable to see any of my own beauty or light that I offer the world. I have felt disgusted with myself. I have been encouraging and reassuring others, but I can't seem to do the same for myself. I have been pushing my limits trying to fix things about myself that aren't broken to begin with. I have felt as if I've been standing in a tunnel, and I can see the light, but I can't run towards it. It feels like I'm standing in a 10 mile long tunnel and I'm moving at about 5 mph.
The thing about being unhappy with yourself is that it means you cannot be truly happy with anything going on around you. I have been irritable and anxious and unexplainably sad. I knew that I had to stop, but I couldn't get myself to. I knew that life going on around me and my life has been wonderful and that I have absolutely no reason to feel this way. Yet I do.
I have been the most motivated and self-disciplined I have ever been. I have been taking care of myself the way I should be and beyond. But I seem to never be satisfied with myself. I haven't been feeling happy, and it's been eating at me. I want to be happy. I want to love myself. I want to embrace my gifts. I want to be able to see myself in the same light that the ones I love and the ones that love me see me in.
By being unhappy, I have become frustrated with myself. What's wrong with me? Just be happy! Why am I getting pissed off so easily? Why can't I move past this already? Can't I see that I have people around me who love me for me? Can't I see that I have people around me who love me and want to help?
Then, I came to a realization in yoga today. My instructor began class with a reflection, like she always does. However, today's hit home for me. She said this, "I noticed that whenever I do something, I'm always trying to force it. Even in my practice. I'm forcing postures. My breathing. I'm focusing too much on forcing and perfecting it that, when it doesn't happen the way I want it to, I become frustrated and irritated. So today, as you go through your flow, don't force anything. Let things be imperfect. Don't focus too much on the little things, like breathing, and whether or not your doing your yoga breathing correctly."
I keep trying to force my happiness. I keep trying to force myself to meet standards that no one sets for me but myself. And when changes don't happen the way I want them to when I want them to, I'm becoming frustrated and upset with myself. No one is holding me to this cycle but myself. Happiness and self-assurance are there for me, but no one can give that to me but me. It cannot be a forced process. I am beginning to understand this and practice this in my life.
I meditated quite a bit today. The mind is a beautiful powerhouse, so long as you dictate the energy you wish your mind to create. I realized that I need to allow my authenticity to shine. I need not to suppress or hinder parts of myself in fear of others' small mindedness, but, rather, embrace it. My struggle for self-love is stemming from my inner conflict, which is this: I am not unleashing or liberating my full potential in fear of judgement from others or their reaction to me. It's essential that I accept myself for who I am and understand that my self-love and acceptance is more than enough. I can receive all of the love in the world, but if I don't love myself, then I will never be content.
So, I'm here. Kicking and screaming. Ready to get the hell out of this cycle; ready to show the world who I am. Whether the world takes me for who I am or not is not for me to decide and is out of my control.
I know it won't happen overnight. Today is just the first day. But this is my first step. To growth. To self-love. To healing. To patience. To loving the imperfections. To getting out of the funk.
I hope you'll grow with me.
Xx.
-LP